Attracting Old People to Church

The question no one is pondering:

With the emphasis lately on youth bands, inane repetitive singing, casual dress and positive thinking talks, the Church has been overrun with youth. For a more fair and balanced congregation the top priority for the local church should be to address this question: “What can we do to attract old folks?” Here are my top ten suggestions:

1. Hire Tommy Dorsey, Lawrence Welk, or Glenn Miller type big bands with only ONE unnoticeable, seated rhythm guitarist as worship leaders. (Pentecostals: provide area for ballroom type “dancing in the spirit”)

2. Acceptable Dress style: Men---sandals with dark knee socks; Bermuda shorts pulled up under chest with suspenders optional. Ladies---Hair dyed blue and old sweat pants.

3. In place of standard seating....rocking and/or reclining pews, w/electronic control should be provided.

4. Schedule social dinners with plenty of oatmeal w/raisins, tapioca pudding, hot and spicy deep-fried prunes and fruit flavored jello.

5. Keep service under 45 minutes, as restroom breaks occur more frequently.

6. Keep sermons simple. There’s not much time left for newly found wisdom, and the old adage is true, “you can’t teach an old dog new wisdom” .

7. Above all else use “grandkids” as sermon illustrations. Old folks will awake immediately.

8. All sermons should include parishioner’s main interests: eating, sleeping, bowel movements and complaining about young people (grandkids excepted).

9. Open up special senior parking spaces near the front door for those over 65 with a 10% discount on tithes.

10. Utilize old folks as front door greeters as they are used to saying “Welcome to Walmart” anyway.