Saturday, January 3, 2009

2009 Predictions

‘Tis the season for the annual Physic Predictions that always fail to come to pass. How these folks have any credibility must indicate a deep-seated spiritual desire among us humans to know what disastrous events will come to pass in the near future and be gullible enough to purchase at the Super Market check-out area. Gossip rag predictions seem to sell like..well, gossip rags, especially at this time of the year. First I will list a few of the current predictions, followed by predictions from the past and finally a few of my own "sure fire guaranteed to come to pass" predictions:

Current Predictions (Also, see update)

Sylvia Browne - I predict the President elected sometime after 2008 will die in office from a heart attack. The Vice President who will finish their term will have an unpopular and mistaken intention to declare war on North Korea. By that time, North Korea will have weapons of mass destruction. In the middle of efforts to declare war, I predict the Vice President will be assassinated.
Also from Sylvia—I predict hypnotic past-life regression will become available through a group of trained psychologists on both the east and west coasts of the U.S.A. in 2009. It will prove to be quite a success and will be widely practiced by 2011. (
For a decade, Russian academic Igor Panarin has been predicting the U.S. will fall apart in 2010. Around the end of June 2010, or early July, he says, the U.S. will break into six pieces—with Alaska reverting to Russian control.

California will form the nucleus of what he calls "The Californian Republic," and will be part of China or under Chinese influence. Texas will be the heart of "The Texas Republic," a cluster of states that will go to Mexico or fall under Mexican influence. Washington, D.C., and New York will be part of an "Atlantic America" that may join the European Union. Canada will grab a group of Northern states Prof. Panarin calls "The Central North American Republic." Hawaii, he suggests, will be a protectorate of Japan or China, and Alaska will be subsumed into Russia.
See map here of your future USA:

Failed Predictions (mostly collected from CSICOP

The Sun predicted: An American Astronaut "will give birth to a healthy baby girl during a six month mission aboard the Russian space station Mir."

The National Enquirer predicted: Good Morning America hostess Joan Lunden will become engaged to Shaquille O’Neal.

The National Examiner predicted: Comic actor Jim Carrey will get an Oscar after his face freezes in a twisted expression.

The National Examiner predicted: Nuclear missiles will be used to break up a giant asteroid found to be hurtling toward Earth.

The psychics at Weekly World News predicted that in 1995 a volcanic eruption would create a new land mass that ties the United States to Cuba; frog legs would become the rage in fast-food restaurants; and scientists would discover rapidly mutating bees, uncovering evidence "that the insects are developing an intelligence that might one day rival that of men."

Chicago "psychic" Irene Hughes predicted that Vanna White and her husband would purchase a "haunted" mansion in Beverly Hills, from which they would flee in terror a week later. Madonna’s career would be interrupted by a "mystery illness," but she would recover after having a religious vision and become a gospel singer.

The Sun predicted: The South Pacific Island nation of Tonga will land - and then strand - people on the moon. The U.S. will rescue them.

The Sun predicted: Rush Limbaugh will be the Republican nominee against Bill Clinton, picking Sonny Bono as his running mate.

The National Enquirer predicted: Barbara Walters will be kidnapped by Middle East terrorists, "but will be freed after ABC agrees to let the terrorists air their views on a three-hour broadcast hosted by Barbara."

The Globe predicted: O.J. prosecutors Marcia Clark and Chris Darden will marry; meanwhile Simpson will join a monastery.

The National Examiner predicted: Michael Jackson will undergo a "complete sex change and insist that everyone call him Michelle...His wife, Lisa Marie, will stick by him - and they’ll develop an even closer relationship."

Sure Fire Guaranteed Predictions

The Stock Market will fluctuate during 2009.
One NFL team will be crowned Super Bowl Champion..I predict on Feb 1st, 2009.
Joe Biden will put his foot in his mouth sometime during 2009.
Joel Osteen will say something positive about human nature during 2009.
Igor Panarin’s prediction above will be listed under 2011 failed predictions.
And finally...the Lord will return in 2009 IF the "fulness of time has come" (cf Gal 4:4)

(disclaimer: the Lord did not speak to me in an audible voice regarding these predictions)

H/T Noble K.

1 comment:

pearlygate said...

Speaking of predictions, I had a member of our congregation tell me I should preach more on the end times and how what is happening in Israel today plays into it. I was quite kind to him but told him of a friend of mine who wrote a book back in the 70s explaining all about the fig tree Jesus cursed and how everything pointed to Jesus' return in the mid 80s. He spent much time writing, teaching and preaching on the subject. Another failed prediction and what turned out to be a distraction from the real purpose of ministry to equip God's people as described in Ephesians 4:11-13. I very much appreciate your prediction of Christ's return when God the Father is ready.