Friday, March 20, 2009

I Got The Blues, Pt 2

I was digging around in my Word doc file recently and came upon a document that I had copied from some unknown website back in n'aught 3. Since we are on the subject of the "blues" it is quite fitting that I follow-up the last entry with this little tid-bit of info on what really constitutes the "blues" and those that may or may not have a case of it. If I knew the author of this little gem I would most assuredly give him/her full credit. (I will take some editing credit)

Most Blues songs begin with: "Woke up this morning..." (which is a good Blues way to begin a day)"

I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin a Blues song, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes - sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town." Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town."Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500 pound."

The Blues is not about choice.You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch...ain't no way out.

Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, SAABs, Mercedes, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. (and not for exercise) So does fixin' to die.

Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, adulthood means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anywhere in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, Kansas City, Memphis, and N’awlins are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in anyplace that don't get rain.

A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is.

Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the Blues.

Breaking your leg 'cause an alligator be chomping on it is.

You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

Good places for the Blues
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass

Bad places for the Blues
a. Nordstrom's
b. Gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. Golf courses

No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old person, and you slept in it.

Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:
a. you're older than dirt
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied
No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401K or trust fund, unless it’s in the toilet!

Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston or John Bobbitt could have. Ugly people also got a leg up on the Blues.

If you ask for water and you're darlin' gives you white wine vinegar, it's the blues.Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. cheap wine (Thunderbird, or 2 buck Chuck for example)
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast

If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.

Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling
e. Stella

Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little or Big Willie
d. Sam Cooke

Persons with names like Michelle, Jessica, Biff, Buffy, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

Blues Name Starter Kit:
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.) combined with,
b. name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.) combined with
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Pegleg Lemon Johnson, Fat Banana Washington or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

I don't care how tragic your life is: if you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues, unless it’s crashed searching out info on Bill Doggett..or Fat Banana Washington.

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